health, as hope.

true life:

I’m addicted to cottage cheese.

oh baby

someone put a mug of dark chocolates in my room and i found a bottle of non-narcotic painkillers with 2 refills i did not know i had!

this is a nice surprise

hurumph

i wish i was one of those people who had free time. i would never have to eat because i could sleep all the time and i would be bale to do things besides work and go to yoga every day.

as it stands i’m no sure how i can go to yoga more than maybe 3 times a week, maybe 4. and even then it probbaly wouldn’t work out. and most days i would need to go at like 7 am then shower and go to work for 7 hours then go to class for 3.

time

there isn’t enough of it.

to all the fucks who thought they knew.

i didn’t take any antidepressants this whole semester and instead smoked weed for my pain and my anxiety, medicating at my own discretion and i got three A grades, in math, film theory, and photography.

obviously i failed english again because i stopped going but what else is new it’s only the 4th time that’s happened and that was when i was on lots of meds.

oh and now!

i just worked up the courage to go to bikram after work and put on my ill-fitting too small makes-my-back hurt sports bra and drove there and arrived about 10/15 minutes before class started only to be turned away because it’s fucking full.

I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY UNIVERSE WHY WONT YOU FUCKING LET ME.

“make time for your health”

YES OF COURSE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

you know between working full time and taking classes 3 hours twice a week it didn’t occur to me to make time for fitness. i have sooooo much time on tuesdays and thursdays, what with working from 10 to 6 and then having class from 6 to 9! all the free time in the WORLD! and since i never ever stay late at work i can just work out those nights too right! not to mention my social anxiety is never triggered by working retail and working with stupid people all day so i love to go to the gym or yoga class and be surrounded by more people. gosh i just love em.

and yes i have all the time in the world to cook food after work or school when i am in excruciating amounts of pain from standing or sitting or doing whatever multitude of things that hurt my body.

i wish i could go to bikram every other day and yoga or swimming those other days and only eat healthy food but i’m too fucking depressed and food is the most depressing thing ever i wish i didn’t ever have to think about it and i could just get my nutrients through a tube or something.

i hate my skin today i am getting all these gross sores and pimples andit’s nasty as fuck. i want to stop eating and purify myself. but i’m a depressed lazy/busy fucktard who’ll never get to it.

the real reason i won’t go to the gym that often is because i get so so so nervous around so many people.

if i could work out in an empty gym i would go twice a day and work my butt off i kid you not.

i’m getting really frustrated.

ugh.

i am having a shitty fucking self esteem day even my vulva is making me feel ugly.

i kind of hate my body.